Who Am I?

I swear I don't even know anymore.

A woman on the verge of some kind of breakdown, that's for sure.

Why? I have no freaking clue.

I just seem to have lost all identity of self. And where so I have this epiphany? In the middle of freaking Walmart!

You'd think I would be happy. Out of the house, without the kids, on some invented just for the purpose of taking a shower and leaving the house errand.

But no, instead I feel like some out of place alien being out in public without at least one child to attend to. See, when I have my kids out in public, I'm their mom. MOM....the one in charge. The one in control. She's handling everything, keeping everyone happy and behaving.

Without them I'm just some lady walking around Walmart telling herself to act normal.

In Walmart. Have you checked out the other people who are shopping in Walmart after 9 at night? I'm telling my self to act normal so THESE people won't think I'm weird? I don't even know these people....they certainly don't know me and I'm sure that they could care less that my makeup doesn't look good or my clothes are too snug because I'm getting chubby or that in my own head I'm chanting "BE NORMAL" so I don't break down and cry in the middle of Walmart for my lack of purpose in life.

When the heck did this happen?

Was is because I quit teaching?

I don't think so. I mean, I don't miss it. I'm not really in a hurry to go back. I just had a conversation with a friend today about how I'm glad I'm not teaching middle school anymore because so many parents are screwing up their kids and there's not a lot a public educator can do about it. So I'm very glad not to have that stress in my life right now. Plus I know I could not bear to leave my sweet baby girl to go back to work....and I know I want to be home every day to greet my exuberant boy as he rushes in the door from school.

Was it because we left the old church and started looking for something new?

I don't think that's it either. I mean, I was already on the fast road to a breakdown there anyway....just for different reasons. I didn't agree with a lot of the theology and we were just overwhelmed with responsibility, with no support to back us up. I'm kind of sad because it has effected my relationship with my best friend a little. We still talk every day....but I guess I didn't realize that both of us have been so busy in the past 9 months with home and church that the only times we've spent together WAS at church. And I miss spending that time with her. And since I'm not Miss. Popularity I don't really have any other friends....so I've been spending a lot of time just home alone with the kids. I'm becoming a regular agoraphobic hermit.

So that's part of it. I just don't have a lot of other adult interaction. I'm forgetting how to act among grown ups. And I feel completely out of place with them, like I just don't belong.

On the bright side, Hubby has informed me that sometime in June he will be able to take a day off work (to make up for his weeks of travel and inaccessibility) and spend it with me. Hopefully I can stave of complete meltdown until then.

All I ask is that if you're going to take odds on when and where I'll lose it, please send me a cut of your profits to pay the medical bills.