All the Small Things...

I started thinking about what I needed to do today (around the house) and ended up with that song stuck in my head (All the Small Things, Blink 182). Not the greatest song to be stuck with all day, especially since I can't for the like of me figure out exactly what it means. Being that it comes from an album titled "Enema of the State", it can't be good.....

Anyway, the house isn't doing too bad, just a ton of small things I need to do today so it's looking good for the weekend. I hereby pledge to tackle all of (though not limited to) the following tasks: get socks off the bedroom floor, vacuum, scrub those stinkin' counters again, eradicate Celia's hidden cheerio collection, and use some windex somewhere.

There, I used up all my legalese for the day.

I got the mail and discovered this pack of postcards from the California Olive commission that are hilarious! Mostly because some friends of ours have a running olive joke. I'm going to try and figure out how to use that fancy new printer/scanner/copier's scan function so I can share them. Small, but very very funny.

Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home
Na na na na......

Chris is gone, let the psychotic tendancies begin!

Okay, so psychotic is a bit strong, but "my own small kind of craziness" doesn't sound as good.

I do this every time he goes out of town. I know it's coming and I tell myself "I will not get crazy this time" but sure enough, the crazy just sneaks up on me. The problem is that Chris and I are both kind of forgetful people. It actually works out quite well because he helps me remember my stuff and I help him remember his....and we try not to get too crabby with each other about the forgetting. When we work together, we somehow manage to make it through life (and drag our kids along) without any major mishaps.

We he's out of town, it's just me. It's all up to me to make sure everyone gets where they need to be and has what they were supposed to bring. Up to me to make sure that the right dishes and clothes are clean, everyone gets fed when they are supposed it.....and god help us all, fix something that might go wrong. All this responsibility sends my forgetful, flighty brain into overdrive......and it just starts coming up with things that MIGHT go wrong, things that I MIGHT have to fix.

This morning, Celia and I take a rather pointless trip to K Mart (they had NOTHING good, like every other K Mart in the nation seems to have right now!) As I'm strapping her in the car to come home I notice this little old guy putting "fix a flat" in his tire and think "oh....what a bummer".

My wheels barely hit the interstate before the crazy thoughts begin:

"Huh...my tires sound funny. Am I getting a flat? Do I know how to change a flat on this car? I mean....I think the spare and jack are under the trunk....they are, aren't they? Crap, there's still all that recording stuff in the trunk! What am I going to do with that while I change the tire? Could I even change the tire by the side of the road? I mean, it's cold. And windy. And Celia would be really mad about sitting in her seat all that time......"

"Wait....that's not a flat tire. The whole thing is just wrong. This car just feels wrong! What if one of the tires is about to fall off? Do tires ever do that?" (By this point I'm almost hyperventilating at the possibility) "Calm down! You've got to be in complete control of yourself and the car when the tire falls off!"

Lucky for me the rational part of my brain slaps the hysterical part (again, all in my head. Slapping yourself while driving on the interstate steps you right over that line of "just a little weird" straight to "certifiably crazy". Unless you were feeling really sleepy and just needed to wake up, then slap away) and this whole crazy thought process disappears.

Calm before the storm.

The house is clean. And quiet. I've swept, wiped, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, folded, organized, and carried. And I've got 5 minutes to bask in the clean and quiet that is rarely found here, because in 5 minutes Jordan will come busting in the door, excited from a day at school, dropping his shoes, his coat, his bag wherever they fall as he jabbers about his day. Half an hour after that Celia will wake up and get her sippy, dribble milk along as she empties a toybox (or tissue box). Then Chris will get home, abandoning shoes, emptying his pockets on the dresser in the hall. And I'll start my messing making dinner creating kitchen stuff.

It's kind of bittersweet really. Because in 3 short years Celia will be in school all day. If I want, I can have my house clean by 10 in the morning and enjoy clean and quiet for a full 6 hours. When you think about it that way.....how boring! Now, I know things will come up, there will still be shopping that has to get done, schools to volunteer at, and other things will be found to do. But I'll no longer have a sweet little girl to play with all day. And my little boy won't be so little (it's stretching to even call him that now!). He'll be a cool middle school kid sliding in the door every day.

And a few years after that, he'll be off to college. Then she will. And while it will be nice for Chris and I to go out to dinner whenever we feel like it, or travel without making arrangements for kids.....our house will be very clean. And very quiet.

In any case, I'm going to drink my tea and enjoy my quiet cleanness for a few minutes before the chaos starts.

Wrath- You can dress it up, but you still can't take it out.

(My thoughts on this week's sermon at Chestnut Ridge Church. This was week 5 of their series titled "Seven" discussing sin. I encourage you to listen to it on their site, it's great!)

That's right....you can put it in jeans from the Gap and give it a nice shiny SUV, but anger is still anger. It's still in there.....somewhere.

Not that much of what I wear comes from the Gap, and shiny would NOT be a good description for our SUV, but I do have some anger issues.

Emotional issues in general, but anger is a pretty strong emotion that I deal with quite often. Pastor Bill Walker talked a little about two different kinds of anger: implosive and explosive. I'm a real weirdo in this category because I do tend to internalize my anger....for a little while. Until I get good and heated and then just let it all out. I think I do a decent job at directing my anger where it belongs.....and that most of it is justifiable anger (if not righteous....). I also think I do a decent job about working through my anger. I generally can't hold a grudge or stay angry with anyone for an extended period of time, provided I work through or around the cause of the anger. And as I get older I think I'm getting better about talking through things with other people on a rational way and dealing with problems as they come up.

Ack, there were so many great points I wanted to share just running around in me head this morning, but I seem to have forgotten them all. We stopped at the hospital on the way home to visit a friend, and she pretty much blew my mind with her amazing faith and strength.

Anyway, thanks to my small circle of friends and readers....for letting me vent my anger with you. (Which is a healthy, recommended way of dealing with anger) Take a minute to listen to the sermon....I'm doing a horribly inadequate job of sharing powerful points!

The Green-Eyed Monster

That's right, this week we were talking about envy (week 4 of Chestnut Ridge's series Seven). Another one of those biggies that I think everyone struggles with now and again.

It was particularly pertinent to me in light of several events of my week and conversations I had. Lots of friends read and were bothered by an "anonymous" response to one of my blogs and questioned why I put negative stuff out there (not primarily I hope, but on occasion).....and open myself up to such comments. Aside from the personal cathartic reasons, I do it because it's real. I've talked to so many women who struggle with feelings of envy and inadequacy....over someone else's "perfect" life. So I want what I write to be real. I've got a great life. Great husband, nice house, wonderful kids, an adequate amount of money, health. But sometimes I fight with my husband, have a messy house, get frustrated with my kids, stress over finances, and I get sick. Those aren't the norm, but they do happen......and I don't want to pretend that they don't. It perpetuates this false sense of perfection that we see EVERYWHERE. So many women get brought down because you watch tv, and every thing is perfect. On all the mommy boards on the Internet everyone post photos of their huge, spotless houses, talks of their perfect children, and how they never fight with their husbands.

Well who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't envy someone who has all that? I know I did! The first time I was even invited to the home of someone I knew from church was so overwhelming to me (keep in mind, I was pregnant here, so hormones certainly factored into this). She had this gorgeous house, perfectly kept. Nicely decorated. It was a scrapbook party....something I had no experience with. So we spent an hour in this perfect house, making these cute little pages to hold 5 picture. One hour....5 pictures. And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking.. "Where do they all find the time to do this? I mean, how many pictures do I have sitting in boxes at home? I don't have the time to do this! And this house! How does she have the time to keep it looking this great? How could they afford all this? What am I doing wrong? My house will never look like this! I'll never have the time to so this scrapbooking stuff!. What are they doing that I'm not?"

And I came home just completely upset over the whole thing. Crying my eyes out asking Chris what in the world I was doing wrong. And he's just baffled......doesn't get it at all. He's just shaking his head trying to do anything he can to calm his pregnant wife. Before retiring to the bedroom, I bawl at him to "get that scrapbook page out of my sight....it's just a blaring reminder of what a failure I am". He obliges and I've never seen it since.

The funny thing is......I was envious of something I already had. Someone's "company face". You know, that good deep clean, spiff the place up, put a smile on your face because someone's coming over? Well, shoot, I already have that! We do that all the time. I have been known to have people over, and they have been known to think I have a cute little house. I like my house! Why in the world did I want someone else's that bad? Who knows. I'd like to blame it all on raging pregnancy hormones....but I think they just brought out a feeling that was there all along.

I like to think my eyes have opened a little since then.....I still have moments where I start to do that.....to be envious of the blessings of others. But then I realize I have quite a few of them myself.

And I used this to better my own life. Not in a "keeping up the Jones" kind of way.....but I learned to scrapbook and I REALLY like doing it. I now have several nice albums that my kids love to look through and see their special pages. We've started remodeling some rooms in our house. Not so it looks nicer when we put on our "company face".....but just to make the most of what we have. We're doing it ourselves and learning a lot in the process (let me clarify...I ripped down some walls, Chris did the ceiling, and we bought a bunch of stuff. Chuck has taken over rebuilding the shower, but is almost done so I can take over again soon). Lots of this stuff I never thought I could do....never tried because I didn't want to mess something up....to have it not be perfect. But I don't think there really is a perfect. There's just stuff you can do, and some you can't. And most of the time you can do a lot than you thought you could....before you tried it.

Anyway, back to the church service....I liked it, thought it was very good. Chris thought it was the best he has seen yet. We were both blown away by the special music. Lauren Byrer sang a song that fit the topic of envy so well. Just a perfectly expressed feeling and cry of help for this struggle. And it was GOOD. I mean, the song and musically good, plus she's got a great voice and sang it really well. She and Chris kind of knew each other (she used to work at his company) so we spoke with her a few minutes after church (she's a super sweet person, btw!) about the creative process that goes into all this....which is something I've been wondering about. They have a whole creative team that gets together and brainstorms and plans services together, which is an awesome resource in itself. They were having a real hard time finding a song they liked for special music illustrating Envy.....so Karen Haring (music director, wife of the senior pastor) wrote it! This is a serious song now....not some "we needed a song about envy so I wrote one fluff". I'm thoroughly impressed.

While at first I was a little overwhelmed by the hugeness of Chestnut Ridge....that's dissipating now. Each week we seem to run into and talk to a member of the staff or leadership team...and I find them each to be a very friendly, well-spoken person that I would like to spend more time talking with and getting to know!

Leaving you with one of the scriptures from service....

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

My favorite place.

That's right, it's my rocking chair. I was rocking Celia before her nap yesterday thinking that in another year, she'll be too old to rock and probably not want it in her room. Heartbreaking really.

My brother bought me the chair right before I had Jordan. That in itself makes it a HUGE thing. We had NOTHING, so a nice chair was a great gift. Plus my brother and I did not get along growing up....we were very close in age....too much sibling rivalry I guess. That chair was the first nice thing I can ever remember him doing for me. It really meant something coming from him, especially when I take getting a lot of flack from a lot of people about being a young, unwed mother.

Well, Jordan was never a big rocker. Even as an infant, he was a bouncer. You had to bounce that kid to sleep! Strangest thing I ever heard of! The chair was used, but just as a nice chair to sit in in the living room.

So years later we were expecting Celia, and I start working on her room. Since the chair had seen it's share of spills, I put a slipcover on it to match her crib and room decor. One of me students knitted me a gorgeous blanket, and I made a little pillow. She has been a rocking baby from day 1. We sat in that chair for hours while nursing and rocking to sleep....I usually rocked her long after she was out....just because it was so nice to do so. We're growing out of the chair now, and it makes me really sad. I wrestle her into it with me before nap time and we rock and sing for awhile....until the motion works it's magic and she lays her little head on me. I can't rock her to sleep now (all the experts say toddlers need to put themselves to sleep...and I think they are right on that account.) but I do make sure she's nice and sleepy before she goes to bed.

I would have pictures....but my MacBook is out of town and I can't get the digital camera to work...grr...

Enough melancholy for now....I'm baking up a storm. In an effort to not eat crap the whole time Chris is out of town, I'm making a bunch (umm, 20, but most will be frozen for later use!) twice baked potatoes and homemade pepperoni rolls for out quick before church dinner tomorrow. I also have to wash the sheets (again) as Celia snuck in my room, spilled my cup of water all over the bed then drew on the sheets with lip balm. If it weren't for the lip balm, I'd just sleep on the other side!

My weekly church blog.

It's Sunday again, time for me to review in my mind our new church happenings for the week.

We really wanted to check out a new church this week, but didn't want to miss one of the series at Chestnut Ridge. I should have been doing this all along, but I encourage you to check out the MP3's they have online of the sermons in this series "Seven". Pride and Sloth are currently available, this week's will be up soon (I'm sure, not like I have any control over that. They are pretty on top of things though!)

This week Pastor Tim Haring spoke about the sins of excess: Lust, Greed, Gluttony. I don't know whether it was because we had Celia in service with us (she's a little distracting, but was overall pretty well behaved. She did take a big poo in the middle of the sermon...could have done without that!) or because I don't feel like I'm in too much danger of these particular sins (like I struggle with Pride and Sloth). I'm pretty much the picture of anti-lust.....enough said there! (I know, lust can be used as a non-sexual thing. And while I did really want those Cloggens someone introduced me to the other day, I wouldn't say I "lusted" after them). I don't *think* I'm greedy. I am the ultimate bargain shopper (sometimes to a fault) but don't it it just to get more stuff (in my defense, I do donate lots of that stuff, and enjoy doing it! It makes me feel really good to be able to just give someone in need, friend or stranger, a bunch of things to help them out). As for Gluttony.....I have been known to put away a few to many cookies or chocolate or bread from time to time.....but I don't really think it's to excess. It was still a great service overall....though I didn't "get" the poetry for this week like I have for the other two.

This morning (Sunday) we got up and went to Trinity Assembly of God. Pastor Adam (minister of music) and I have the same taste in music. Almost every song they did was something Chris and I either did or had planned to do with our old church. They do have a large group doing praise and worship, but both Chris and I can see a place for us among them if we are led to stay there (I'm not sure I can say the same for Chestnut Ridge myself....Chris certainly can!). We also chose a bad week to go (in terms of evaluating a church) since they had a guest speaker. He was okay....said a few things I'm not sure about but his overall message was very pointed and pertinent to me (us): God just tells you to go.....but not always where you're going. You just have to trust Him and go......you'll know it when you get there.

That being said, I'm starting to doubt that the pentecostal church is something I'll ever be comfortable with. Nothing wrong with it, just different strokes for different folks. It was nice to be so warmly embraced by the leadership of the church (although one new guest greeter was squeezing a little too tight! She kept introducing us to every one saying "This is Chris, he's been here before...he worked on the cd. This is Rebecca, this is her FIRST TIME. She's NEW. after about the sixth introduction of this type I felt like I was wearing a blinking sign on my head flashing "Newbie" or maybe even "Heathen". She had good intentions, but the introspective cynic in me was overwhelmed) Anyway, we were warmly welcomed and I hope in any case we get to spend some more time with Pastor Adam and his family. They are so fun to be with, have a little girl Celia's age and another baby on the way. (We got to spend a good bit of time with them in Chicago last summer)

Both kids enjoyed their rooms. Celia found a slide in the toddler room the minute we walked in the door and never looked back. She went full steam ahead with a room of rough and tumble boys the whole time. Jordan really enjoyed children's church. (He said even more than Chestnut Ridge, which is quite something because that's ALL he's talked about these past few weeks). They've really done a good job with the room and the kid's service. His favorite "character" was Napoleon Explosion (ahh....Dynamite?).

Looking forward to going back and hearing the head pastor speak on another week!

Evolution and Making Change $$

Well I think we're going to try potty training today. Lately she hasn't been peeing on the floor when she decides to strip.....so we're going to stay home today, tomorrow, and saturday.....and see what happens. I figure if she's not trained enough to wear panties by saturday, then she's not ready yet. So we're just going to get the house nice and clean...maybe start on some Valentine's cookies.

I struck gold at Kroger with my free detergent coupons while Jordan was at his guitar lesson (they are across the street, along with several other stores. We usually run over there because it's easier to strap Celia into a cart and browse for half an hour than chase her around a music store!)I found 4 packages of my free detergent, so we got those. We decided not to go to church as Jordan's teacher called and the boys weren't having class....so no need to rush home. I stopped at the bargain store down the road to look for sheets for sewing. Nothing there, but I did find a really nice wool sweater for $1.50! Plus a bunch of high end scrapbooking stuff and some expensive baby blankets for really cheap, so I'm thinking of buying them and eBaying (I started eBaying again and it's going pretty well) Of course, those would also make pretty baby cakes.....so maybe I'll get a few for that too. Chris came home the other day saying how he thinks I should start making and selling them, so I'm thinking about it again.

We have parent teacher conference, so looking forward to that. He brought home math homework that seemed just ridiculous to me yesterday. It was an exercise in money and making change....but it was things like "Make .49 out of exactly 19 coins." Other than the whole logic/brain teaser aspect (which I know has points on it's own) can anyone help me figure out a life application for that or a connection/prep for higher math?

Plus they started talking about evolution....his teacher said "ask your mom about it because we as Christians don't beleive that". Okay, now I don't beleive every theory out there.....because lots of theories are just that.....theories. But I'm also not going to say all the fossils of dinosaurs, primitive man, and micro-organisms are fake just because they aren't in the Bible. The Bible is the Word of God....written by the hand of man. Can you imagine God trying to explain micro-organisms to Moses or Jacob? It would be like trying to teach your toddler algebra. And for what purpose? They needed to know that God was an all powerful creator....he created the heavens, earth, and everything in it. Not scientific details about things they couldn't possibly comprehend while they were trying to save the Israelites! Just because old testament man couldn't understand it, doesn't mean that God can't create it. Or evolve it. Or do anything he wants with it really......

Sorry, I got off track there. It was just difficult to have a deep theological discussion with a 9 year old while trying to figure out how to make .49 with exactly 19 coins! Not that I'm likely to discuss most of that with his teacher either (seems kind of nit-picky on the math and I'm certainly not going to debate religeon with her...what's the point? We both believe in the same God and salvation through Jesus....the rest is just details.